Bullying is back under the spotlight after a spate of suicides by teens who were being bullied for being gay. One of the more high-profile cases being Jamey Rodemeyer. It’s heart breaking.
I’ve listened to and read reports about how this problem should be tackled–either as a hate crime or with interventions for aggressors, victims and bystanders.
Bullying teens for being gay is more persistent and insistent than bullying for more conventional differences, such as being awkward.
I’m no expert. All I can do is share a little bit of my history as both a target and a bystander.
In Grades 7 and 8, I was targeted by a boy, I’ll call *Blake. I was an academic sort, quiet and extremely awkward. Of course, you’d have to look far and wide to find kids who aren’t awkward at that age.
I wasn’t his only victim. So many of my classmates feared this boy, but I’d say his main targets were female. He’d snap bra straps, pinch nipples and rifle through desks to find out which girls had a stash of sanitary napkins. This way, he could taunt girls who were or were not yet wearing bras and girls who were “on the rag”.
He’d act out in class and then the teacher would make him sit next to me, hoping my influence would wear off on him. He threatened to beat me up if I didn’t help him cheat on tests. I lived in fear.
When he picked on someone else, I was relieved. I felt sick for the victim, but I did nothing because I feared his focus would shift back to me.
To my everlasting shame, I even participated in the taunts. Blake was haranguing his “victim of the day” about being on the rag and I laughed. I may even have said, “Nice purse” as she walked out of the class to head to the bathroom.
She turned to me and said, “What are you going to do when he does the same to you? You’re a girl too, you know.”
I felt so sad, but I still didn’t speak up for her. Sure enough, he soon turned his nefarious attentions back to me anyway.
I told no one about this. Being a victim of this boy was my secret shame, but I wasn’t alone in my suffering.
When Blake was absent, everyone’s relief in that class was palpable.
How did the bullying stop?
A teacher started at our school when I was in Grade 8 and she figured out what was going on. Blake didn’t sit near me in her classes.
Later that year, a new student arrived. He and his family immigrated from Vietnam. As you can imagine, English was a problem for him, but as my mother would say, he was “personality-plus”.
On talent day in class, he wielded nunchucks like a pro and his muscled physique, at only 14, was a testament to his pursuit of martial arts. If it sounds like I had a crush, then you’re absolutely right.
One day, Blake was shoving me around in the playground, as per usual. Thanh walked up to Blake and said, “Blake, leave her alone or I kill you!”
Blake stopped. Each time Blake tried to start in on someone, Thanh spoke up. He wasn’t a bystander. Thanh was a hero.
When it was time for high school, I wasn’t taking any chances. I chose an all-girls Catholic high school.
After that year, Thanh and his family moved to Southern Ontario. I didn’t see him again, but I often think of what he did for me and others.
Looking back now, I realize that Blake’s home life was heart breaking. He may have been in foster care at the time. Time has given me perspective. We were children back then, coping as best we could.
I encourage my children to talk to me about the good and bad things that happen at school and to stand up for themselves and others.
It’s a case of do as I say, not as I did. That makes me a hypocrite, I guess. I still wish I could have rescued myself, but putting a stop to bullying takes teamwork, and sadly, sometimes that doesn’t work either.
*Names changed to protect the guilty and the heroic. Except mine of course.
Tags: bullying, bystanders, perspective
Yup, I think the bullying issue is a lot more complicated than it is sometimes made out to be. I dealt with a fair bit of being bullied when I was a kid, too, and I think part of it was just because I was a sensitive kid and it was easy to get a reaction from me. I look back on it now and think it was probably almost like a science experiment for whatever kid picked on me…how will the specimen reacts when we do this…or that…or this? It’s not necessarily real malice behind it, more curiosity, boredom, and a lack of empathy. Sometimes even kids I generally got along well with would bully me. I remember one year a group of friends went through a phase of running out to recess fast and hiding on me, the watching me as I walked around, looking sad and confused that they’d disappeared on me. Years later a couple of them who I still hung out with apologized to me. At the time they’d just thought it was a funny thing to do, but as they got older they realized how upsetting it must have been for me.
Sorry to hear you were also a target, Mary Lynn. It was kind of your friends to apologize to you later. It is a complicated issue and I wonder if there will be enough resources and will to deal with it effectively. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.
I remember one bizarre event when I tried to defend my classmates from a bullying high school teacher who was berating them for their “stupidity”. He turned on me too and I spent the rest of that class sniffling into my sweater. I’m not looking forward to dealing with this issue as my kids get older – it will be hard to remember the real source of the problem, which as you point out is the bully’s pain, if my kids are the target – I suspect I’ll get really, really angry, which will not be too helpful. Thanks for this post – it must have been really hard to write.
Well written and valuable. It can help us examine where we have been the victim or the perpetrator is active and passive bullying – alias aggression.
Personally I trembled when I read this. Your mom was a hero again and you survived the best you could. We will not comment on the fathe’rs pathetic role here.
Thanh was a hero too. Prejudice against Than was probably kept hidden since his physicality was a threat. His physical capabilities would be particularly noticed by young boys whose spiritual growth may be limited to worshiping physicality. They fear physical pain etc and underestimate the importance of proper emotional balance. Thus they often underestimate strife in themselves and others. (sticks and stones…) They are often taught not to feel – an impossibility. This can lead to devastating consequences in developing relationships with themselves and others –spiritual progress and thus the nurturing of love.
The virtue absent and tested in bullying is piety – fundamental respect for others and ourselves – This is not to be agreeable to all actions and expressions but to value the individual even if contact is undesirable or hazardous.
Often prejudice against others is mitigated when we submit they are intrinsically valuable and equal as humans. Ideally all have undeniable qualities – even when serious transgressions take place this must be recognized. You admit this in seriously trying to appreciate Blake’s situation. He must still be accountable but when we Your recognition of Blake maybe having a troubled environment is insightful. This means that he is responsible because he is not incorrigibly evil – thus he cannot excuse these acts indefinitely But rather he can mend and amend
A fine article
Love, Dad
Wow – keen insight from you AND your Dad. I think I”ll come back later because I’m too tired to marshal my thoughts for a proper comment right now.
So sorry to hear that Patti – and to think we shared a room for 20 years and I had no idea…..
I know all to well the permanent devastating effects bullying has on a person.
This perhaps has contributed to our “Dont F***with Me” Attutude that has gotten both of us pretty far in life.
LOVE YOU
This is so on point, Patti. I could write pages and pages about this but all I will say right now is thank God for Thanh and thank God for you.
Hey patti,
Good entry. I also saw my share of bullying. In high school, I was arty with a pOnytail and all black clothes etc…so i was gay bashed even though I wasn’t gay…so I have much sympathy for any kid who gets pushed around like that.
On the flipside, a friend of mine ended up marrying one of the biggest bullies in our town. As an adult, he is different and has become a different man. It still happens on occasion that he bumps into a former “victim” who lose their shit on him. He listens to what they have to say, and apologizes profusely. As you suggested in your article, he had a shitty home life and took it out in other kids…
Bullying will only stop when the bullies are loved at home so they don’t act out like that. And like your crush Than, well, that’s the other solution. Teaching kids about self discipline and self respect.
Kevin, It was so interesting to hear about the ex-bully. I am often so cynical and feel that people don’t change that much, if at all. In this case, I’m happy to be wrong.
Occasionally, I wonder what became of “Blake”, but I don’t want to look him up. I’m not that brave or stupid.
I’d love to see a picture of you from your ponytail days.
Hi Stereo,
I bet you could write a lot about the stupid bullshit you were subjected to as a child (in fact I’ve read a bit about it on your blog) and even now. Sigh. Some people have an endless capacity for small mindedness. I applaud your resilience and courage and am so grateful you’re still here and I can read your wonderful words.
Hey KT,
Don’t feel bad that you couldn’t read my mind. No, actually, I’m resentful of the fact that you can’t read my mind.
I didn’t talk about this at all. Now, I’m so glad that I don’t bottle things up inside anymore. Instead, you and I can chat, laugh and cry and pop the cork on that bottle of Chilean wine I saw on your wine rack.
Hi Helen,
Your story reminded me of the saying, “No good deed goes unpunished.” Speaking up for others is courageous and leaves you open to attack. You did it anyway and I’m glad that you’re that sort of person.
And you’re right. This one was a very difficult post to write.
Hi Dad,
As I mentioned in the post. I told no one of this. Mom didn’t know. You didn’t know.
I don’t wish Blake ill. I hope he has a good life in which he loves others and is loved in return. If not, then I fear for those around him.
All of these bullying stories scare me so much, as the mother of a young daughter. I so don’t want her to be bullied. And I certainly don’t want her to bully. And I would be so, so proud if she was one of the ones who stood up to the bullies, and defended others. That would make me unimaginably proud. Time will tell….but man, is it scary to have kids these days.
I had my fair share of blakes. In hindsight, I think even the teachers were scared of them.
First, let me say I’m sorry that there was a Blake in your life. So effing sorry.
Second, let me say that it doesn’t make you a hypocrite at all, not in the very least. Bullying is at least being talked about now, in a real way, not in a Cosby show way. Your kids are aware of it in ways that we were just not (I was in middle school in the mid-eighties). We understood that X kid was a bully, but we didn’t know that this was a behavior that we could speak out against and that no one should have to live through. I wasn’t bullied myself but I was very close to some kids who were. Adults back then made it seem like something you had to suck up, that it was just a part of growing up. And that is starting to change, and it’s so important. Kudos to you for talking to your girls and being upfront with them. And much love to you, too.